How can you support someone after a miscarriage? Here are some suggestions

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There is still much we can do in breaking the stigma of embarrassment, failure or shame that so often accompanies a pregnancy loss

Infertility was the topic of the first news package I ever worked on as a journalism student. The experience and what I learned from three months of talking to more than two dozen couples, individuals and professionals has made it a subject close to my heart.

Now, being at the stage of life where many of my peers are starting families, I’ve had several friends experience that loss. And infant loss has always been in the background of my life, having lost a brother when he was only a day old. October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, and the indescribable pain that comes with that loss is still taboo for many.

Infertility, infant loss and miscarriage aren’t uncommon, but still aren’t widely discussed. Some have dubbed it the “loneliest grief of all.” Many experience it, but that doesn’t lessen the pain. It must always be approached with sensitivity and a desire to understand.

About 10% to 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, 1 in 100 in stillbirth and roughly 10% of women in the United States will have difficulty becoming or staying pregnant. For the majority of pregnancies that end in those early weeks, there is no definite medical reason. Chances are that someone in your life will be affected.

Over the years, I’ve learned a few things about talking to someone who is experiencing this pain. I’ve interviewed several wonderful women about what has — and has not — helped them during or after a miscarriage. While I myself am not an expert, these suggestions come from those who have experienced infant and pregnancy loss, and from therapists and fertility professionals.

Acknowledge loss, express empathy

Whether it’s at five weeks or 20 weeks, miscarriage comes with deep, intense feelings of loss. The physical pain may be temporary, but the emotional impact lasts much longer. Grief has no timeline. Each experience is individual, and acknowledging that a loss has taken place is important.

A heartfelt “I’m sorry for your loss” can mean a lot more than unsolicited advice or well-meant cliche phrases like “It’s all in God’s plan” or “You can always try again.” Don’t minimize the pain or compare it to others. Keeping it loving, simple and genuine is a better way of conveying empathy rather than trying to control or fix the situation.

Respect privacy

Whether in public or in private, privacy is important. Never reveal or announce someone else’s miscarriage unless they ask you. Not everyone wants to publicly disclose their loss. Don’t start asking questions or prying for details. Helping is more important than satisfying your own curiosity.

Let someone know you’re available if they do want to talk, but don’t start peppering them with questions. If they want to talk, they will. Being supportive means being there to listen and being trustworthy with that very intimate information.

Find ways to help

For many I’ve talked to, simply lending a listening ear can make all the difference. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t room to do more concrete service. Making meals, taking someone to the doctor, cleaning the home or doing some yard work are all options that show support and alleviate some stress.

It’s easy to feel helpless when someone you care about suffers such an intimate, private pain like a miscarriage. But letting that person feel isolated and to suffer alone is far worse. Showing love through compassion and supportive actions makes more of a difference than some might think.

A wide range of emotions can be associated with infant or pregnancy loss — from sorrow and heartbreak to disappointment and sometimes a confusing sort of relief — it’s an experience that nobody should go through alone, and one that shouldn’t be so misunderstood considering how common it is.

While it is never appropriate to coerce individuals to share their stories of infant or pregnancy loss, there is still much we can do in breaking the stigma of embarrassment, failure or shame that so often accompanies them.

from Deseret News https://ift.tt/336TP2G